If Ron was King
by Laterosecitcat299
Summary: Be afraid...Be very afraid... first story written jointly by Laterose and citcat299. Guys in pink bunny suits, hoorah!


***** citcat299: Hi I'm citcat299, and in case you didn't know, a very strange person.  
  
Laterose: Hi, I'm Laterose. Well duh, you can see that.  
  
citcat299: We're writing some funny stories together and this is our first!  
  
Laterose: Those of you who know me will know that I am not a comedy genius - but my friend here is!!!  
  
citcat299: Not really, Laterose always thinks of the most clever bits!  
  
Laterose: Aw... shuddup, I'm blushing. Ok, well, hope this works out well for you guyz.  
  
citcat299: This was SOOOO much fun to write!!!  
  
Laterose: ditto!****  
  
IF RON WAS KING...  
  
Ron sat on his throne feeling happy. Today he had been appointed king, and his first order would be to confiscate all broomsticks of superior quality to his and have them burned.  
  
As he looked up at his gigantic throne room, his best friend - er, most faithful subject - entered. "Hey, Ron!" Harry called.  
  
"That's Your Majesty to you, underling."  
  
"Riiiiight...... look, you know that rule about broomsticks you just ordered?"  
  
"Of course, underling."  
  
"Well...What about my Firebolt?"  
  
Ron drummed his fingers on the armrest of the gigantic throne. "What about your Firebolt?"  
  
Harry started to look slightly annoyed. "Does it count as a superior broom to yours."  
  
"Of course." Ron smiled graciously.  
  
"Does that mean you are going to burn it?!" Harry demanded.  
  
"No as you are my most faithful subject, I will make an exception."  
  
"Thanks Ron!...er...I mean... your majesty."  
  
Ron overlooked the slight.  
  
"It will now belong to me."  
  
"What!" Harry's mouth fell open. "You're taking my broom???"  
  
"Of course. I'm the King, after all." Ron frowned, then pulled a crimson bell pull beside his throne.  
  
"B... b...b..but..." Harry spluttered.  
  
A squad of guards wearing bright pink robes and ballerina tutus entered. "Fairy guards, take him away!"  
  
Harry screamed as he was led away.  
  
"Harry, you're doing the whole world a favour by graciously giving me your broomstick. Now, when I have the most superior broom, no one will have to give up theirs."  
  
"Except me!!!!"  
  
"Well, yes. But it's a price we all have to pay."  
  
As Harry was dragged kicking and screaming out of the throne room, one of the guards looked down at himself.  
  
"Er, your Majesty Highness Most Gracious Master of Quidditch Head Boy Most Handsome Man in the World, Six times Winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, Solver of Chess Boards, Last Surviving Member of the Weasley family -"  
  
"Yes?" Ron interrupted, thinking -maybe I should have taken it a bit easier on the titles...-  
  
"Er... why are we dressed like this?"  
  
"Because, good man, my subjects must always wear inferior clothing to my esteemed person, I do have a reputation to keep as The Most Handsome Man in the World after all. I cannot afford the chance that anyone may be considered more handsome than I."  
  
Ron gave the man one of his famous gracious smiles.  
  
"Off with his head!"  
  
"Noooooo!" protested the guard as he was dragged away by two Aurors in clown costumes.  
  
"That's better. No one wastes my precious time with pointless questions and gets away with it."  
  
Ron lounged on his throne and rang a little blue bell pull lazily. At once a maid wearing torn overalls and an ugly red wig appeared at his side.  
  
" Mirror, please."  
  
She conjured an enormous hand held mirror out of the air and passed it to Ron.  
  
"Mirror, mirror in my hand, who is the most handsome man in the land?"  
  
The mirror, like most mirrors, remained silent.  
  
"Answer! Answer me damn you!" Ron yelled, his face going slowly red.  
  
"I am the king and I DEMAND that you answer me!"  
  
The mirror still didn't say anything.  
  
"Oi! I asked you a question, glass features! Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today???"  
  
The mirror still remained silent as Ron began to smash it against the arm of the throne.  
  
His subjects winced as he ran one finger down the remaining glass, making a horrible screeching sound. "Permit me, your Majesty Highness Most Gracious Master of Quidditch Head Boy Most Handsome Man in the World, Six times Winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, Solver of Chess Boards, Last Surviving Member of the Weasley family -"  
  
"Yes?" Ron stopped the maid irritably. "Someone remove that last one from my list of titles! It's beginning to annoy me! Last Surviving Member sounds a bit morbid, besides, I'm sure there's got to be another one somewhere. Instead - add Sole Important Member! Yes, that's much more like it. See to it!"  
  
As several Royal Clerks hurried to attend to his wishes, Ron turned back to the maid, who had ventured a suggestion.  
  
"What was it? No pointless questions please - oh, and forget the titles, I don't want to be stuck listening to your whining voice all day. Just Your Majesty or Sire will be sufficient."  
  
"Er... yes, Your Majesty Sire. Er, Your Majesty Sire, perhaps the er, mirror, wasn't er, well..."  
  
"Yes, yes?" Ron asked impatiently. The maid recognised the danger in his voice.  
  
"Well, magical, Sire Your Majesty Sire. Um."  
  
"WHAT? YOU GOT ME THE WRONG MIRROR!"  
  
"Please Your Majesty Sire! There were none available! They are all currently employed at the residence of Gilderoy Lockhart!"  
  
"Lockhart eh..." Ron mused. "Isn't he that nutter that used to teach me at Hogwarts?"  
  
"Er..."  
  
"Never mind! Get me those mirrors!"  
  
"But Lockhart will never sell them!"  
  
"Bring him to me! He will GIVE them to me once in my divine presence!" Ron spat his s's and c's in the word presence and showered some of his clerks with spit.  
  
The maid began to back away slowly.  
  
Ron waved a hand. "Oh yeah," He said distractedly "And off with her head!"  
  
An Auror wearing a pink bunny suit stepped forward tentitively. "Um...Your Majesty Sire.... We are out of space in our recycling bin for body parts. The pigs are unable to consume any more flesh. Maybe your majesty could leave the beheading till tomorrow....?"  
  
"WHAT? But I've only been here a day!"  
  
"Yes, your majesty sire. And in that time, you've had beheaded..." he drew a long piece of parchment from the pouch of his bunny suit and brushed pink fluff off it. "Six Earls, for ignoring your broomstick command, Three countesses for ugliness, Twenty-seven maids for incompetence, Seamus Finnigan for fucking your sister... oh yes, and your potions master for giving you too much potions homework."  
  
"Yeah, well, he deserved that. Fine, leave off the beheading until tomorrow. And while you're at it, buy more pigs, I won't have this disgraceful show of bad service happen ever again! Especially in MY palace! You are dismissed."  
  
The Auror left the room.  
  
Ron pointed to a different Auror wearing a flowery dress.  
  
"You, behead the Auror wearing the bunny suit first thing tomorrow morning!"  
  
Ron lay back and relaxed thinking about all the possibilities now available to him as a king.  
  
Soon he was slumped in the throne snoring softly.  
  
Slowly his servants backed out of the room and made a run for it, namely to the other end of the world, as far away from their new king as humanly possible.  
  
Ron mumbled in his sleep. "I... am.... the King....off.... with... their... heads.... zzzzzzzzzzz...."  
  
Laterose: That was fun!  
  
Citcat299: I'm tired, can we sleep now?  
  
Laterose: Yeah, ok. Our readers will just have to be happy with this part. **ducks anvil**  
  
Citcat299: However... I'll be willing to stay awake a little while if we get some reviews....[looks hopeful] PLEASE!!!!!!!!!  
  
Laterose: Reveiws? Oh yes, I've heard of those [innocent smile] I like them too.  
  
Citcat299: Ok ok. I admit my unhealthy addiction to reviews. Just review or I will go insane and OFF WITH YOUR HEADS!!!!! Hehehehehehe :)  
  
Laterose: Riiiiiiight.....  
  
Citcat299: Anyway i'm tired and have run out of funny comments, can i go to bed now? PLEEEASE?  
  
Laterose: Yep good, ok. We hope you luuuuurved our small paradoy etc. Please let us know how much you enjoyed it by clicking on the small blue button in the bottom left hand corner of your screen!  
  
Laterose&citcat299 


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